Helloooooooooooo

This is Grippenholpf. He burps rainbows.

 

This isn’t Blogspot (which I frequent more frequently due to educational requirements), so I am out of practice with using this alien interface.

-reeka

How to Select a Jury, Only to Ultimately Lose in the End

The jury selection process is one fraught with banalities and ironic prejudice; prejudice against the biased, surely, but prejudice no less!  It’s a tedious and time consuming effort to gather a group of people that serve as an accurate representation of the community which first begins with sending out the honorary jury draft letters.  Though perhaps calling it a “draft” is inaccurate, as the draft is mandatory under punishment of death (it is, right?), meanwhile half the people asked to show up for jury duty can’t even be arsed to get out of bed that morning.  The percentage of lazy sods who skip out on their date with court-appointed destiny is staggering.  So staggering, in fact, I seem to have forgotten it.  Baffling, truly!

Now that you’ve assembled a meager number of people from your initial draft (and while you contemplate sending more letters next time to account for the lack of work ethic and civic responsibility that seem to be plaguing the area) you can begin with the questioning process.  Each potential juror is asked a series of questions which will be used to determine if they harbor any bias or have any relation to the person(s) on trial.  Feel free to conduct a miniature evaluation yourself while they all wait around for their chance to be questioned.  Protip: the man with the shirt reading “I hate Jews” probably isn’t a good candidate.

Once you’ve weeded out the racists, the kooks, and the women–oh, wait, I’ve been told we’re letting them participate now.  Law is a man’s profession, how do we expect to get a fair trial by a jury of peers when some of them have vaginas?  Well, anyway, I’ll have to bring that one up sometime later, but let’s assume you’ve gotten your jurors together.  You think you’re done with them?  Not a chance, Clarence!  There’s a mandatory gauntlet of evaluations to be run on these hapless innocents, most of which are just fancy ways of looking to a colleague and nodding knowingly, then dismissing someone on account of wearing navy pants with black shoes.  Tackiness is a most heinous crime in this courtroom!

You’ll know the gauntlet is done when all your potential jurors have been reduced to tears.  Only the strong survive past this point while the weak are given the consolation prize of knowing they failed to be included in what can only be described as the best jury since the last one (the last one really was a fine lot, so don’t be fooled by how unimpressive that initially sounds).

Your jury complete, your pride shining brightly and reflecting in their eyes as crystalline glints of judicial perfection, you may now send them–your children, the future–forward to meet their destiny.  Provided they don’t get yanked out of the court by the stupid prosecution who’s really only objecting because he feels they’re a threat to his case.  “Blonde juror,” he will say in his snooty and incredibly fake accent, “I find you to be biased in a way I have yet to determine!”

And I will slam my hands against my desk and yell, “Shove it, Larry!  You do this every time!  Can’t you let me have my moment even once?!”

And he will look upon me earnestly and say, “No.”

Dreams destroyed, hope extinguished, there is nothing left to live for.  But you can die knowing that you assembled a jury so ferocious that the prosecution felt you might actually win a case for once.

-Alex

Stop that, Laser Cat, or you won’t get any supper!

I don’t have to explain our absence to you or anyone else.  Possibly the authorities, but they’re the only ones.

-Alex

That no-good blue jerk

We here at Sock Fox and Friends’ Flammable Substances and Cheap Laughs are fans of Sonic.  We approve of what he does.  We like the way his head reflects light.  We think it’s cool that he’s supportive of the freakish mutation of Tails’ tails and only mildly exploits them for the purpose of skipping past difficult parts of the stage.  We don’t like his creepy fans, but it’s a small price to pay to listen to the awesome noise it makes when he charges a spindash.

We’re familiar with his adventures, and we’re no strangers to making our own art using his likeness.  I’m not sure what it is, but there’s something about Sonic and his gang that we like to draw more than anything else, including any original characters we may have.  Maybe the simple shapes are easy to draw or we just like drawing anthropomorphic animals being sassy and hurting each other.

One way or another, we tend to draw a lot of Sonic comics.  This is one I drew a couple years ago with no purpose in mind (just like everything else I draw) that seemed to end prematurely, but I couldn’t be bothered to draw any more.  What happens next?  It’s a choose-your-own-adventure, but you have to write the ending.

-Alex

Don’t make the same mistake again, Hatman

A couple years ago, Sock Fox gave me a drawing prompt that turned into this.  It said nothing about a walrus, but any checkers game is just empty without one.

-Alex

Produce Prestidigitator

-Alex

What is this I don’t even

The archives really bring out the best in my artistic history.

-Alex

Fifty percent more efficient than your standard Yoshi

-Alex

Showing no signs of improvement

My tablet and I are having another disagreement, so you know what that means!  It means we get to search back through the Archives of Awesomeness and showcase my artistic prowess from years past.  Among such gems, we have:

Whoa now, let’s not get carried away, if I post any more I’ll run out of filler and then be forced to actually carry on with the story plot!  How silly would that be?!

-Alex

Weentober Festival

I was told to blog this and set it under the Good Drawings category, but I’m not one to comply so willingly.  Truth of the matter being that I don’t really like this picture, but Sock Fox and reeka hold the purse strings and frequently hit me with it.

This came about because I decided that I would be the best poltergeist ever.  I would put the spoon on the wrong side of the plate, misplace your shoes as you were getting ready for work, and most devious of all, I would intentionally put the toilet seat up, much to the malaise of you/your lady friend/shut up.

I guess this is also sort of a Halloween picture, but I intend to make a better one later.  Halloween is one of the best holidays, it deserves more than this.

-Alex